If you've felt like you've hit a dead-end
in your marriage. . . If you've asked yourself whether you have
really chosen the right partner . . . If you've dreamed about
love and happiness in marriage and instead you've succumbed to
'reality' . . . then the next pages present a new angle at looking
at your relationship. They are based on a method of treating couples
that is proving successful for many.
The theory behind the method says that each of us finds a partner
who requires that we reveal and re-claim our whole self. That
partner becomes the healer of past pains. Couples in which one
partner is a mental health professional have participated in this
workshop in Israel and told me about their experiences. Getting
the Love You Want is not only the name of a book. And in order
to find love, it is not only enough to read it, but it is definitely
a beginning.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want
and Keeping the Love You Find, maintains that everyone
can create a healing, loving relationship, often without ongoing
therapy. The refreshing discovery is that his method is not just
an interesting theory. It is a practical system with skills to
practice and worksheets to assist you. It is possible to try to
do the exercises in the books. But it is easier and more effective
to learn the method within the framework of a workshop. The workshop
is not lectures, not therapy, not group work, and not a cult!
The workshop is a time and place in which you work, with the assumption
that through working, you will move forward as an individual and
as a couple. Hedy and Yumi Schleifer, she a psychotherapist and
he an aerospace engineer and businessman, conduct workshops using
Hendrix' method. The Schleifer's arrived in Israel bringing the
Hendrix 'toolbox' with the intention of teaching us how to use
it.
The Mission of Marriage and Romantic Attraction
The basic assumption of this method
says that marriage not only has a goal, but it has a mission.
The mission is to help each other to heal the childhood 'wounds'
that absolutely everyone carries within. Childhood wounds not
only include obvious hurts, but all of our childhood needs that
were not filled. Each of us has wounds. You do not have to have
been abused or neglected to be wounded. Even a happy childhood
carries wounding. "Children," said Freud, "are
creatures that are never satiated, and there is no parent in the
world who can react perfectly to the changing needs of the children."
Dr. Hendrix maintains not only that the origin of our frustrations
as adults is actually tied to unfulfilled needs or other hurts
in our childhood, but that choosing our partner is a consequence
of our unconscious desire to heal or repair those wounds. "Our
unconscious seeks the person who, on the surface, looks the least
capable of giving us what we need most, primarily because that
person is very much like our parents or other childhood caretakers,"
explains Hedy Schleifer.
Yumi gives an example: "My father was never home because
of his business. My mother was a nervous woman and I had a very
intelligent aunt who treated me as if I were her student. When
I was looking for a partner, I had, of course, a list of what
I wanted. She should be beautiful and smart and many other things,
but an important part that actually determined my ultimate choice
was my unconscious that was looking for someone who resembled
my childhood caretakers. My unconscious looked for someone who
would not be at home all the time and who would want to be my
teacher. This is what I knew from the past. I knew how to cope
with someone like that, and from exactly that kind of person,
I wanted what I did not get as a child. I wanted the love from
somebody who was away all the time, and that was one thing that
was so difficult for me in our relationship. I still wanted from
my parents what they (and then my partner) were not able to give
me."
The 'Old Brain'
Yumi, of course, was not conscious
of this process while he was courting Hedy. Dr. Hendrix says that
none of us are aware of that process because it comes out of our
'old brain', our unconscious. To differentiate, what we call the
'new brain' includes the part of our brain that is conscious,
that makes decisions, that thinks, that organizes information,
and creates ideas. The old brain guards our existence and monitors
our environment, inside and out, in order to insure our survival.
It recognizes only two conditions, "danger" and "safety."
It is like a sensitive radar system that signals the alert. It's
goal is survival and it will not take unnecessary chances. Like
in war, an airplane that has been identified as a dangerous enemy
will be attacked. An airplane that is determined to be safe, and
identified as an ally, will be granted permission to enter our
air space.
What Is an 'Imago'?
The old brain recognizes the sense
of safety and security from those people who took care of us and
influenced us from the moment we were born. Every one of us carries
within, a picture or image that is actually a combination of the
positive and negative characteristics of all these people and
their attitudes toward us. (This image is called the "imago")
Romantic attraction, falling in love, depends very much on a potential
partner's conformity to that image. The moment we meet somebody
the old brain has its own list and checks to see if the characteristics
of this person matches what we already know. If there is a fairly
close match, there is a chance for the relationship. The chance
of 'falling in love' grows proportionately as the conformity of
the partner to the unconscious image increases.
"And why," says Hedy, "does our unconscious look
for and find the person, who to the conscious mind, appears as
if he or she least likely fits our parents and yet is likely to
least able to give us what we are looking for? It is because the
image that we hold inside consists not only of the positive qualities
of caretakers, but also of the negative that we have experienced.
At first glance, it looks like a trap: Why should we go again
to those places that hurt us? In a logical, conscious choice of
a partner, we were supposed to look for those who could compensate
for what we didn't receive from our caretakers - certainly not
for someone who would act just like them! For example, if a person
was wounded through parents who were not reliable and trustworthy,
you would think the person would look for someone that they can
easily trust. Someone who had a parent that was very overprotective
would look for someone who would allow them freedom. But that
is not what happens. The process of choosing our partner is governed
far more by the unconscious.
Incompatible? -- Celebrate It !
According to Hendrix' theory, what
looks like a trap, becomes a saving grace. When you learn new
skills, it is precisely with that partner who seems most incompatible
and who seems to re-wound you over and over again, that you both
can learn to give your partner exactly what he or she has yearned
for since childhood. This is part of the power of the method:
by learning what our and our partner's childhood wounds are, we
can then re-image our partner, learn target-specific things we
can do and say, and can become mutual healers.
Hedy, in speaking about some of the healing that has occurred
in her own relationship by using Hendrix' tools recalls; "When
I began my practice as a psychotherapist, I was very busy. All
of a sudden, for Yumi, it was as if I had disappeared. Once, when
Yumi was coming in the house, I was on the telephone. He was terribly
offended by this. Of course, it wasn't the telephone that caused
his anger. My action triggered all the feelings of that lonely
child of the past. With the new tools we had learned, he could
not only talk with me about this, but also give me a whole new
understanding that his anger and frustration was not a personal
attack against me. This is a small child who keeps terrible feelings
of solitude and loss inside him. So we then agreed that if the
marriage is a mission, and my mission is to help heal those childhood
wounds, I would gladly give up the phone when he arrived home.
If he came home and I was on the phone, I would quickly finish
the conversation. Yumi would go outside and come in the door again,
and I would give him a genuine, warm welcome that he had never
received as a boy. The interesting part is that when you start
to receive this kind of attention, the wound gradually heals.
At one point, he simply said, "OK, I think that's been enough
for me. From now on, if you want to talk with someone, go ahead
and continue the conversation."
Reclaiming our 'Lost Self' in Our Road
to Wholeness
Moreover, our selection of our partner
is not only meant to heal those wounds, but also to help us reclaim
parts of ourselves that seem 'lost.' We will also look for someone
who completes what seems to be missing in us. "Basically,
we are born and live as energy expressing itself," explains
Hedy. This energy is expressed in four basic ways; through our
thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Each one of these channels
of expression is equally legitimate and important. However, in
the process of socialization, when our parents, teachers, and
other adults (or institutions) gave us messages that told us who
we were to be and how we were to act, some of this natural expression
of our energy was blocked.
"When you tell a child things like, 'Don't touch your body,'
'Don't feel angry', 'Don't be so emotional,' 'You think too much,'
or 'It's not lady-like to be athletic,' part of our natural expression
goes into hiding. If you tell a quiet girl that she is being a
good girl because she's not making noise, the message she gets
is good means quiet. If the girl is energetic and spontaneous,
this becomes even more of a problem. Such a girl finds herself
with a caretaker who does not want to be connected with her, puts
her in a corner, and says, "When you calm down, we will talk
with you." She learns that being herself, expressing herself,
is not OK. Instead of being nurtured, while being guided, in her
way of expression, she learns to hide or repress her natural energy
and spontaneity.
"During the time I was growing up, I was told, 'Don't be
too smart or you will never find a husband.' And so I learned
to block my thinking. Of course, who did I look for? Someone who
has brains. My unconscious immediately saw this in Yumi and it
was as if it said, 'Ah, here is my missing part.' With Yumi, it
was an identical process, but in the area of feeling. In his home,
they used to say, 'Don't cry, don't be so sensitive.' And what
did he see in me? Warmth, sensitivity, and bulging emotions."
We are not conscious of the process. We just feel complete, as
if two halves make a whole. Hendrix says that we really find the
one that will demand the we complete ourselves, that we reclaim
our natural wholeness.
The Romantic Phase
In the romantic phase, that time of
falling of love and 'courting', each person enjoys what the other
person has to offer. I enjoyed the fact that Yumi had a good head
on his shoulders, and he enjoyed the fact that I am sensitive
and feel everything. Afterward, during the next phase of the relationship,
the power struggle, the difficulties started at exactly this point.
Yumi would say to me, "Why do you have to start every sentence
with 'I feel. . .''At least once in awhile, you could start with
'I think. . .". I would say things to him like, 'Don't you
have any feelings? You are hard and cold.' It's as if the unconscious
hires a person who will demand that we use those very aspects
of ourselves that we have had to negate and lock away. Falling
in love is part of the trick of nature to connect two people who
often appear so incompatible."
The Inevitable Power Struggle
The Romantic Phase is meant to fade
away because we don't need it any more. It got us together with
the perfect person who will bring all our issues right to the
surface. Then comes the second stage, the painful one, the power
struggle. This is the stage when you feel like your partner does
not, and will not, give you what you want and need, or that your
partner is hurting your feelings or doesn't care about you. For
some couples, the power struggle is very intense, and for others
relatively mild. But for everyone, it is an inevitable phase of
the relationship.
"One way people react to the power struggle is to divorce,"
says Hedy. "When it feels impossible to bear it anymore,
this seems like the only way to survive. (Another reaction that
we see more and more in the United States is murder or suicide
of one of the partners.) What many people do, is just 'cope.'
Often, these people create what is called a 'parallel marriage':
'You do your thing, I'll do mine. We have to stay together for
the children.' Often, these couples will spend more time with
friends or the children than with each other. Many people have
this kind of relationship that looks good on the outside and is
basically dead on the inside. Another way people cope is by creating
a 'hot marriage' in which there is alot of fighting, making up,
and great sex afterwards. On the surface, people tell themselves
the relationship is OK because the passionate fights and reconciliations
stimulate alot of adrenalin and other chemicals that give the
sensation of feeling good.
The Dance of the Hailstorm and the Turtle
"Yumi and I understood intuitively
some of these things and we were really a good couple together.
What happened with us was what Hendrix calls the power struggle
between the 'turtle' and the 'hailstorm.' Every couple has, to
some degree, its version of the hailstorm and the turtle. The
hailstorm wants to talk about things, needs to relate, and projects
things onto their partner. The turtle is the one who withdraws
and locks himself or herself in.
Once, Yumi was in his shell for almost two weeks and I went crazy.
When I couldn't stand it anymore, I grabbed him and screamed,
'Enough! Come out of there! I need you!' Yumi just stared into
my eyes and replied, 'I hate you.' Although that was before we
knew Hendrix' tools, I understood that the one who had shouted
at me was not Yumi the adult, but Yumi the child. . .the child
who had spent long days locked in the basement. It was as if I
could actually envision him knocking on the basement door and
screaming at the grownups that he hated them. And when I recognized
that, I had empathy. I felt for him, as if someone had done this
to our small child and I started to cry. Yumi sensed that I wasn't
crying because of the words he had said to me, but because I understood
him and cried out of compassion. The hatred disappeared and we
shared a moment of great intimacy. Over the past three years,
because of the Getting the Love You Want workshop and the tools
we have practiced, we have learned to create such moments of intimacy
consciously."
Creating a Conscious Marriage
In order to arrive at this stage, which
Hendrix calls the 'conscious marriage', you need to first acquire
knowledge and awareness to become more conscious. Whether we like
it or not, we enter the romantic phase and the power struggle
on automatic pilot. In order to create the 'conscious marriage',
we must learn and understand exactly what triggers us, what pushes
our buttons, what those things are that in a moment turn us into
small wounded children. Then we must learn how to help each other
becoming a healing person for each other.
The Getting the Love You Want Workshop
And this is exactly the purpose of
the workshop. With the facilitators explaining the theory and
process, demonstrating the skills and with participants using
the worksheets in their manual and practicing the skills with
each other, the workshop becomes a safe place where you can begin
a new level of your journey in discovering yourself and your partner.
There is no group interaction in exercises. Although anyone who
wants to share an insight or a comment can do so, no one is required
to say anything to the group. The work is done alone and with
your partner. At first glance, the exercises in the manual, and
even the skills you learn, seem very artificial and awkward. But
their structure turns out to be exactly what creates safety. They
work.
The work you do in the workshop, together
with the written exercises in the manual, is built like a puzzle.
At the end, you understand why you chose your partner, why you
have the difficulties that you have, what you really want to get
from your partner and don't get all without necessarily
feeling the pieces of the puzzle come completely together. Each
partner starts seeing the other's childhood wounds, and the work
is done so that, at the end, each partner sees, in self and other,
the needs of the old brain to feel safe and some of the things
that can make that happen. As the sense of safety increases, there
is less need for one or both partners to seek 'exits' from the
relationship.
Exits Escape from Distress
And what is an 'exit' from the relationship?
Exits are all those things that we do in order to escape from
intimacy. They are not limited to affairs. Exits can also be working
excessively, focusing all your attention and time on the children,
watching television, spending all your time in community service,
using alcohol or other drugs, jogging, hobbies anything
that you use to avoid dealing with your partner and the issues
in your relationship. When you identify what you do to avoid the
relationship, each partner must commit to closing these escape
routes, slowly, but definitely.
Working To Become Safe and Conscious
The workshop, says Hendrix, is
only the first stage in the process. In the manual you receive,
there is a program designed for 27 weeks after the workshop, and
the process continues for 3 or more years. Although it seems like
a long time, creating the relationship you long for and healing
the wounds that fuel conflict take time. It is not magic
it is a process and it's worth it. Of course, the healing begins
with these first steps and each frustration becomes an opportunity
to deepen that healing. While in the beginning it can feel like
a rollercoaster of frustration/pain, and safety/love, the process
gradually moves more and more into the area of safety. You experience
the process of co-creating the relationship of your dreams.
Who Comes to a Workshop?
The workshops are intended for anyone
in a committed pri -mary relationship: those who have a good marriage
and want to make it even better, those who are having problems
in their relationship and want to work toward healing them, and
also those who are faced with what seems to be the end of a relationship
and want to know if there is any chance of saving it.
Real Love
Through this process, you come
to real love, a solid, lasting love," say Hedy and Yumi.
"You know who you are, you know who your partner is, and
you choose to be together, not because you have to, but because
you want to."
Israeli Therapists Attend the Workshop
The first workshops held here in Israel
(June 1993) by the Schleifers was aimed at therapists and their
partners. They wanted to introduce therapists to an effective
model to use with their clients, and to give therapists a personal
experience of the model. Therapists are human beings that have
their own frustrations and pains in relationships like everyone
else. The three couples I interviewed, related to the workshop,
not as mental health professionals, but as married couples living
their life.
The Yanays: Diving Deeper and Finding
Gifts in the Garbage
I can't say that I discovered any thing
brand new, but this presented some things from another perspective
than what I had known before," said Oraniya Yanay, Ph.D.,
a clinical psychologist who heads, with her husband, the ADAM
Institute for diagnosis and consultation. "It's as if this
brought another layer, a different level in the depth of touching
the pain I have brought into my relationship. As a small girl,
I had the sense of being someone who was invisible in my family,
so it is obvious that this was the point at which I would be attracted
to my husband, Dov. That is the peak of my pain and the peak of
closeness between us. I knew this, but the level of sensing it,
feeling it, and diving in to that whole issue was deeper. And
it was possible because of the sense of safety. The climate and
the techniques of the workshop are very protecting. They keep
boundaries and provide safety. You do the exercise or work with
the skill, and then there is someone who stops it so that you
don't stay stuck in it. In every skill or exercise, the workshop
leaders pay attention and are available to help at all times."
"When people express some of their
problems, it is obvious that your problem is another version of
ones that most people have," says Dov Yanay. "Oraniya
had the feeling of being abandoned, and I am a 'space cadet.'
One of the things that drives her crazy is when I forget to arrive
on time. It touches those feelings of abandonment." "And
the more I have asked him not to disappear, the more he has done
it," interjected Oraniya. "In the past I would tell
him I need him not to disappear. I asked him to tell me when he
is going to be late. But the more I told and asked, the more he
seemed to run away."
Both of them agreed that the workshop
touched them most strongly in exactly those places, the pain of
their childhood wounds. "Although we were accessing those
wounds," said Dov, "the workshop was not a crying and
pain party. There is a nice blend of both the head and the heart.
There is alot of transfer from the unconscious to the conscious,
alot of thinking, and a sense that you are moving and putting
things in order."
One of the most exciting experiences
for the Yanays was an exercise that is very positive and joyful.
Oraniya described it; "This was an exercise where you 'flood'
your partner with your admiration and love. Dov was sitting and
I was walking around him, almost like in a Polish wedding, and
I told him things that I love about him. I started with 'I love
your eyes' and proceeded to tell him what I loved about his body
and physical appearance. Then I went on to what I love about his
character and about his behavior. I told him only those things
I love. Other people in the room were also doing it with their
partners at the same time. There were people who cried and people
who laughed. I became very emotional, both when I was giving and
receiving. It was a very special experience that I had never done
before."
Dov and Oraniya left the workshop optimistic
because of one its claims; "the part of your marriage that
is most messed up can also become your greatest healing and your
greatest gift, on one conditionthat you learn how to
change it from atomic energy that destroys your partner and your
relationship into solar energy that provides new light and warmth
for you both." Dov said that his sense of optimism came from
the fact that "you learn practical tools that help you find
love and to transform even the junk into a positive source of
change and healing. It's as if I need to say 'thanks that I have
an SOB that pushes my buttons, because through that person maybe
I will reach something better my healing and my whole
self."
Now, a few weeks after the workshop,
the Yanays aren't rushing to commit yet to the process. Dov said,
"I am not ready yet to make the commitment to the entire
process. I've bought into the system at the idea level, because
I can see the pluses of doing it. It's as if somebody tells me
that if I lose 20 pounds and exercise, I'll feel great. I know
that is true, but it doesn't mean that I've started the diet yet,
or that I've committed to a program of exercise!"
Oraniya said, "I'm ready to make
the commitment, but being 'ready' isn't actually making it. It
is difficult. I'm not giving up on it, and I'm also not completely
willing to give up on the junk in myself and my relationship.
I'm used to it! However, it is not as easy as it was before to
come home and start fighting. Now, I really want to sit down and
do a dialogue. A good partnership is an investment of time and
energy and the way to freedom is often much more difficult than
the way to slavery! We are trying to use this method. Many years
ago, I committed to work on my marriage and my relationship with
my children, and even with my friends. To me, it is very important
for me to be more open, more receiving, more caring, and more
willing to be cared for, but this is very difficult for me. It
is not difficult to find an exit! We both have careers, we both
love our work, and it is so easy to plunge right into it instead
of doing the work of our relationship."
The Basic Dialogue
The couples interviewed had practiced primarily the 'couple's
dialogue', a basic tool that they learned in the workshop to help
provide both communication and safety.
In principle, the dialogue is a simple and somewhat artificial
technique. You set a time for this dialogue, rather than constantly
react and attack your partner every time a frustration occurs.
Then you talk about the issue within the safety of a fixed structure.
The technique seems basic, but is more difficult to do than it
appears. The basic dialogue process is as follows:
· One person talks about his
or her frustration.
· The other partner listens
and mirrors what he has heard. The mirroring is repeating back
the words of your partner without expanding, reducing, or analyzing.
You repeat back precisely the words you heard, without paraphrasing.
This prevents a distorted understanding of things and makes the
person feel truly heard without the listener injecting his own
thought and feelings about the issue. You have your partner's
full attention.
· If the listener makes mistakes
in the mirroring, or leaves something out, the speaker corrects
it until it is heard precisely.
· When the speaker finally answers
"no" to the question, "Is there more about that?",
the couple proceeds to the next step of the process, the
validation.
This step lets your partner and you
know that you have understood. Understanding and validation does
not mean that you necessarily agree with what has been said. It
simply makes sense to you from your partner's perspective.
· You, the listener, tell your
partner that what he or she is saying makes sense and you tell
why.
· You then guess how your partner
must have felt or must feel. The focus is on the original speaker,
not on your own feelings and thoughts about the issue.
In the beginning, it sounds stupid
to have a disagreement "by the book", but you soon internalize
the dialogue and other tools and it becomes more natural. Although
they appear deceptively simple, the dialogue and the other processes
work effectively.
Two weeks after the workshop, Dov and
Oraniya said that the technique of the couple's dialogue is simply
'"overwhelming" in its effectiveness. It is structured,
it feels artificial for awhile, and it seems dumb, but it works.
"If we say, 'Let's have a couple's dialogue right now while
the sparks are flying,' the results have always been satisfying,"
said Dov. Oraniya added, "When you are very angry and you
ask for a dialogue, preferably right away, you can say what you
have to say. Your partner, because he has to mirror like a parrot,
cannot be occupied with himself and he can't ignore or hurt you
at the same time! To ensure success he should mirror me accurately,
and then he also has to validate and to move into empathy. Experience
shows me that in the end, your issue is diffused, and you feel
your partner has understood what you were trying to say. No doubt,
this increases the sense of safety."
The Naamans: Expressing Rage and Discovering
Wounds Throug Rage
Chaya Naaman, a clinical social worker,
and her husband, Meir, a medical and clinical psychologist, also
came from the workshop with great hope. "It is true that
the road is difficult, but as therapists, we know how much every
change and improvement involves strenuous work and optimism. In
this method too, we talk about hard work that is sometimes painful,
but sure enough, we expect positive results fairly quickly. We
can see the light at the end of the tunnel - and we know it is
not an oncoming train!"
Dr. Naaman said, "In the book, Getting the Love You Want,
the optimism and hope also emerge. The bad news is that each of
us chooses our partner according to an unconscious road map that
leads us to reconstruct childhood wounds. On the other hand, the
good news is that our partner has the potential to become the
best possible person to help heal those same wounds."
As professionals, the Naamans stress
that a workshop cannot take the place of therapy in many situations
although your partner can contribute to your healing. "You
have to remember," said Dr. Naaman, "that your partner
can't have the emotional distance, the objectivity, the professional
tools and motivation that a therapist has, all of which are important
for real treatment. For a partner who is stuck in his or her childhood
wounds, the mutual stimulus can be very difficult and express
itself by remaining stuck in power struggles." Chaya added,
"The workshop doesn't take the place of therapy, because
according to the theory, the place of healing in this method is
through those friction points between the partners. There are
other areas that you need to discover. As a parallel to therapy
this workshop can help alot. Hopefully, people will persevere
using the understanding, vision, and tools that they learned in
the workshop and will not need therapy.!"
The workshop deeply touched the Naamans
personally. "I had a great experience in accessing my own
wounds in a powerful and intense way and in meeting the child
inside Meir," said Chaya. "We are very close, and we
know each other's history inside out, but still, the way things
were done and the new perspective was special and renewing. The
depth was different than in other times."
The Naamans volunteered to be a 'demonstration
couple' during the workshop to enable the leader to teach the
group a particular skill. Meir admits that despite the fact that
they were doing the exercise in front of the group, they were
able to get right into it. The skill that was being demonstrated
was resolving rage. Meir was the one working on his rage and was
encouraged to do it with full intensity, raising his voice to
help him feel it viscerally. Chaya's task was to create a safe
'place' for herself, and receive the anger, understanding that
the one who was expressing his rage was the little child in Meir.
In the second stage Meir could express the deep pain behind the
stored up anger. He spoke of what it reminded him of in his childhood
"and this was deep and serious," he reported. "People
in the group reacted strongly to seeing and hearing my pain. Even
men came up after and hugged me, not only the therapists in the
group, but even those who were not professionals."
At the end of the workshop, on the
way home, Chaya and Meir stopped in a coffee shop and made a commitment
to themselves to continue the process. The support group they
organized was an expression of that commitment. They thought that
support would be very important in holding onto and continuing
what they had obtained in the workshop. In the first two weeks
after the workshop, and at the beginning of a new road, they took
upon themselves small commitments to "do something different"
in their relationship. The workshop stresses beginning with small
steps to ensure success.
They have kept those commitments and
Meir says, "Although at first glance, these things we agreed
to do seem small and simple, they contribute to the climate of
our relationship and to the basic awareness that we are working
together to improve, to deepen, and to enrich our partnership."
Chaya added, "It also gives me a feeling of satisfaction,
like I am doing a good deed."
At this stage of our conversation,
something interesting happened. Chaya said that Meir's request
of her was to ask once a day for two weeks whether she had angered
or annoyed him. Meir said that he had requested her to ask, on
purpose, whether he had something to tell her or to share with
her. Meir then went on to explain why, according to his version,
why he had requested only that she ask if he had something to
say. "Sometimes," he said, "in the fog of arguments,
your partner is not listening. So, when you want to tell them
something painful, it is likely that the things will be dissolved
if they are listening. So it was important to me that I would
have a place and time in which I could express myself fully, and
Chaya would be completely attentive."
So what was it that she committed to
to ask if he is angry with her, or to ask if he had
something to share? One big advantage of this method is that as
you make these small commitments to change, you write them in
your manual. So when they looked, the disagreement was settled.
What was written was, "Chaya commits herself to ask once
a day for the next two weeks whether I want to express any anger."
"The special request," Meir explained, "was actually
about anger, but the goal was for Chaya to request that I share
something. Today, the question itself, seems less important. In
fact, the very feeling of mutuality contributed to the sense of
listening and paying full attention to each other."
Chaya also has the sense of a new level
of listening. The very fact of using the partner's dialogue, she
says, makes a real difference in the quality of the listening.
Now, even if she wants to tell Meir that she is angry with him
about being late, or he makes a remark about keeping the house
neat, using the dialogue works through the issue much more calmly.
Because of the structure of the technique, the one with the frustration
has a sense of safety that he or she will not be attacked by the
other person. And the partner who is listening does so, not as
one being attacked, but as a healing listener. And at the end,
even the fuel that continuously feeds the fight becomes less flammable.
"In order to listen to me, he
needs to leave his ground and enter mine," explained Chaya,
"and then, any arrows I may shoot as I say something, do
not reach his ground, but stay in mine. And the moment he repeats
back what I have said, my anger diminishes because I know he was
listening to me."
The Kanfis: Nurturing Partnership
The third couple interviewed, Lily
and Joshua Kanfi, married "happily" for 30 years, never
had a problem in the sense of togetherness, sharing, or loving.
They were optimistic even before the workshop. Lily manages the
judicial chamber of WIZO (a government agency) in Ashdod and does
some family counseling. Joshua works as a manager of a fuel company.
The Kanfis read Getting the Love You
Want before they went to the workshop. Not only did they read
it, they also took a day off from work to do all the exercises.
Lily signed up for the workshop because she thought it would help
her alot in her work. Joshua said that if it would help her, he
would go along, even though he didn't understand why they needed
to go.
After the workshop, Joshua said that
he felt better because it affirmed that they were on the right
track. "This is truly exciting and enjoyable," he reported.
In his point of view, the best part of the workshop was that it
seemed to tie together in a systematic way, things that had seemed
natural for him before.
Joshua commented, "By nature,
I am not an aggressive person. If obstacles appear above and beyond
the usual, I give up. Throughout my life, I saw my friends succeeding
far more than I was. I couldn't understand why I was not more
of a go-getter. Only at the workshop did I understand that my
father was exactly the same way I am and that Lily is completely
the opposite. She is very competitive." "But,"
interjected Lily, "as much as he is not competitive, he was
always the one who told me all along the way, 'Don't give up,
continue on!' All the time he encouraged and pushed me."
Both could easily find those points
in which they complement each other and ask for those same things
from their partner. Lily came from a large, warm, supportive family.
Joshua came from a very small family in which it was not acceptable
to touch one another. In Lily's family people touched all the
time. Joshua is an introvert, Lily the extrovert. And both are
calling forth the 'lost' qualities in each other. Joshua is learning
to show his feelings, and Lily is learning some restraint.
They had difficulty in one of the exercises
exploring childhood wounds. Even though they tried to look for
them, they could not find much. Later, when Joshua was doing an
exercise in which you ask your partner for specific behaviors,
Joshua asked Lily to stay next to him when he watched football
on TV in the evenings. At the time of the request, it made no
sense to Lily why he asked that. They often sit together to watch
TV. It was true, that when football came on, she often found other
things to do. But because she wanted to learn new ways to become
a healer for Joshua, she agreed to that request. "As I started
doing it," Lily related, "I found first that because
he loves football, he wants to share it with me. What I also discovered
was that when Joshua was little and came home from school wanting
to share exciting things with someone else, he had no one because
his mother worked. His feeling of being so alone and isolated
in front of the TV came from that experience."
After the workshop, Lily and Joshua
did not feel that they needed a support group. They continued
doing the exercises and using new skills on their own. At the
end of the workshop, both had a strong desire to see their parents
and say "Thank you." "I always thought I had wonderful
parents," said Lily, "but when we left the workshop
I told Joshua I had the urge just to go and give my parents a
kiss. When we arrived and my mother came out to greet us as usual,
I started to cry. She didn't understand, but she hugged me and
I felt so grateful for the way she had raised me."
"Love and partnership," said
Lily before we parted, "is like the beautiful plants I have
in my living room window. You need to water and fertilize them
so they can bloom. There are those who know how to do that by
themselves. But most of us need to learn how to get the love that
we want."
